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We treat our baby like a mental patient on suicide watch

July 4, 2011
  • The pictures above shows our baby Zachary in a very happy state. Babies tend to like to be swaddled, which is the practice of wrapping the baby up very snugly in a blanket so they cannot move any part of their body and the only part exposed is their head. The theory is they like this because it is similar to how it was in the womb, which means babies are the opposite of claustrophobic. Zachary loves this.  I might have to get into producing baby straight jackets because I bet they would sell well.
  • Our job at this point is to make sure Zachary does not off himself. If he sleeps at night on his stomach instead of his back he might off himself. He can die in just 2 inches of water. If you don’t wake him at times he may forget to eat. He cannot even operate his neck very well. Once he learns to grip things he will put anything in his mouth and attempt to choke himself. Once he learns to roll over he will happily roll off and plunge from anywhere.  The easiest job in the world must be being a baby  hitman:
“I want you to kill that baby and make it look like an accident.”
“Yeah, no problem.”
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