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If your baby kept his current habits until he was 25, what would a date with him be like?

July 18, 2011

Setting: Baby Zachary (“Baby Z”) is 25 and is on a date with Amanda Heitzman – nice Jewish girl(“Date”). They have been set up by a mutual friend and are at dinner a nice restaurant in the west village in Manhattan. They have already ordered their food and are now making conversation as they are waiting for the food to be served

Date: It is really nice to finally meet you. Steve has been telling me about you for months.

Baby Z: You too. Steve really said some great things about you. He also recommended this restaurant so hopefully we like his recommendations.

Date: (laughs) So, tell me about yourself.

Baby Z: I will in a moment but since the food is coming soon I have a couple of things to tell you. I have a couple of quirks you should know about.

Date: (a little hesitant) Um, sure. I have some weird eating habits like I hate when all the food mixes together on my plate.

Baby Z: So, I tend to fall asleep a lot when I am eating.

Date: Do you have narcolepsy?

Baby Z: No, it is nothing serious. It just takes a lot of energy for me to eat and I usually just pass right out 6 or 7 times while eating. I ordered soup which was probably not the best idea as I can drown in less than 2 inches of water. If I fall asleep just tickle under my chin, that usually wakes me and gets me eating again. If that doesn’t wake me another good trick is to strip me down to my underwear. And, if that doesn’t work just pour cold water on that napkin and touch my side, that should startle me awake.

Date: You are joking right?

Baby Z: Oh, and half way through the meal it would be good if you could pat firmly on my back for a few minutes, it helps me get the burps out. If I don’t burp I tend to spit up half the meal. Though a little bit of spit up is pretty standard for me.

Date: Um, sure. I guess if this is part of some medical condition, I can help.

Baby Z: Also, I have trouble regulating digestion and pooping and tend to do it at the same time. So, if you hear a big poop it is pretty standard but don’t change me right away.

Date: (getting freaked out) Change you???

Baby Z: Yeah, usually my explosive poops come in twos so if you change me early you might be in for a rocket poop all over the room.

Date: You have a really sick sense of humor.

Baby Z: Oh and after dinner we need to go right back to my place.

Date: That is very presumptuous of you.

Baby Z: I tend to go into a deep sleep after eating so you will want to get me home before you have to carry me.

Date: You know I am not easy, I won’t just go back to your place at your insistence.

Baby Z: If I get fussy, just put me in my swing, that usually does the trick.

Date: Swing???

Baby Z: Oh, one more thing, give me your hand.

Date: (reluctantly reaches her hand out).

Baby Z: (places a soothie pacifier in her hand). I can’t be trusted to behave so ff anything goes wrong tonight, use this.

Date: (gets up and leaves while swearing under her breath that she will murder their mutual friend Steve).

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