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I am one month old today and I am awesome!!!

July 29, 2011

Dear Mommy & Daddy,

Wow, I can’t believe it has been a month already in what you call the “real world”. I still miss Mommy’s womb, it was freakin great in there. I don’t think I cried once while in there. I am learning to adjust to the real world but please forgive me for my crying fits. Sometimes, actually every time I get hungry I am extremely frightened that I will never eat again. I also just like to cry. It is a bit of a hobby of mine.

So there are couple of other things I want to ask/share with you guys:

  1. Why do you always leave my peepee uncovered when you are changing me? Don’t you know I am always going to pee on you when you least expect it? Peeing on you guys is hilarious and it is how I roll.
  2. Why you guys make me wear socks on my hands? Do you think I am a mental patient? I promise to stop scratching my face if you could remove the socks.
  3. You better not let another Mohel come near me. That was not a good day for me. Did you know she was going to do that to me?
  4. Why does Daddy always insist on reading me boring NY Times articles on the economy?
  5. I only spit up because I think it makes me look cool. It is my way of saying to the ladies that I am cool enough that I don’t care about keeping all my food down.
  6. Speaking of food, Mommy’s milk is like awesome. I was wondering though if Mommy would mind having a glass of wine or two before feeding me on the weekend so I can get my buzz on.
  7. Sometimes while I am eating I will poop. Don’t take it as an insult as it is actually a compliment. What I am really saying is that I like this milk so much that I am willing to poop out old milk to make room.
  8. I have noticed Mommy does not seem so happy when I refuse to go back to sleep after my 4:30AM feeding. Doesn’t she understand that I like to party till the break of dawn?
  9. How do I work these things you call hands?
  10. I have heard that you expect that within a year I will be able to lift my own head, sit up, grab things, recognize you and even crawl. That is a lot of pressure for my first year. I am getting stressed.
Anyhow, I really appreciate all you guys have done for me. You guys rock. I promise one day soon I will actually recognize you and acknowledge that I have a clue who you are. I also promise to evenly hand out my crying fits between Mommy and Daddy so you both can feel special.
Love,
Baby Zachary Harrison
P.S. I got a joke for you: What is the difference between me and Sarah Palin? I will actually get smarter one day. HAHAHA…I crack myself up.
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