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Night-feedings: What I am thinking vs. what I am saying

August 30, 2011

Our baby Zachary is 9 weeks old now and has been sleeping better lately. He actually now seems to switch off between nights when he does long stretches and nights when he wakes up every hour or so (guess which nights we prefer). My wife and I try to switch off on the night feedings to share the responsibility (and since she pumps bottles we can switch off as I obviously am not offering my nipple to him). Here is what I am thinking vs. what I say during the night feedings.

SCENE: It’s 2AM and Zachary has just woken and started crying.

THINKING: F’%^CK, I am so tired. Why did I go to sleep so late?! How long can I let him cry, why can’t I just hit snooze? Doesn’t he know how damn tired I am?

SAYING: Wifey, I got this one, you stay in bed…No, I am not too tired.

SCENE: Zachary is now losing it as I get his bottle ready

THINKING: How does he scream so goddamn loud? I can’t make the bottle any faster. I am sorry son that I can’t speed up physics for you. Please just suck on the pacifier for 2 minutes and give Daddy a break.

SAYING: Son, just relax, Daddy will have your bottle ready really soon.  

SCENE: Zachary is halfway through with his bottle and I am trying to burp him.

THINKING: Why can’t you burp? Stop crying and freakin’ burb. I am up at this awful hour, can’t you at least burp for me?

SAYING: Zachary, just let it out and you will feel so much better.

SCENE: Zachary has finished his bottle and his eyes are wide open.

THINKING: Aren’t you tired? Don’t f#^cking tell me you are not going back to sleep. You choose now to smile. Are you trying to kill me?

SAYING: Oh, you are so cute when you smile. You are just a happy boy.

SCENE: I am changing Zachary before trying to put him back to bed.

THINKING: I better do this real fast. If this boy poops on me at this time of night I am getting my wife and giving up.

SAYING: Now Zachary, it would not be nice to poop or pee on your Dad at this hour.

SCENE: I am now trying my best to get Zachary back to sleep.

THINKING: I have tried rocking you, I have tried the swing and have been rolling you around our small apartment for the last 15 minutes in this stroller. How can your eyes still be open? You had them closed. You are not allowed to re-open them.

SAYING: I will write you a check for $10,000 if you go to bed right now.

SCENE: I am back in bed after getting Zachary to sleep. My wife asks how the night feeding went.

THINKING: How do you think it went? My eyelids are burning.

SAYING: It went fine, he really wasn’t too much trouble.

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