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I am 11 moths old today so it is time to dust off that resume and start looking for a job

May 28, 2012

I am 11 months old today which means I am basically an adult and I should start looking for a job. Why do I need a job? Well how am I going to move out and find my own place without a job? Even though my Daddy complains that the economy sucks, I think that finding a job should be pretty easy since my resume rocks. My resume is packed with mad skills and an education at Moon Soup (The Harvard of baby music schools) which should help get me in the door. So, here is what happened at my first job interview:

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: We do not usually hire people as young and, well, small as you.

BABY ZACHARY: My Daddy says I will be real big one day. He says being a small baby does not matter.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: What position are you here to interview for today?

BABY ZACHARY: Remoteologist.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: I am sorry, what?

BABY ZACHARY: Remoteologist. I am really into tv remotes. I love to play with ours all the time. I have even figured out what button makes our remote light up in the dark. I saw that our remote says “Time Warner” so naturally I came here to pursue my true passion, working with TV remotes.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: You must love watching TV?

BABY ZACHARY: I almost never watch TV.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: Your passion is playing with TV remotes but you don’t watch TV?

BABY ZACHARY: I watched part of an Elmo video while I was getting my haircut. My Daddy sometimes watches sports likes baseball. He says naughty words while watching the Mets play.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: Well, even though you have an interest in remotes, what makes you think you think we should hire you?

BABY ZACHARY: Well, I have mad skills.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: What can you do?

BABY ZACHARY: I can stand for over ten seconds by myself without holding on to anything. That must be super helpful to a company like yours.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: Not really.

BABY ZACHARY: I can crawl up an entire staircase. Though I can’t get back down without Mommy’s assistance.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: We have elevators here.

BABY ZACHARY: Well, I can disarm anyone of their sunglasses in a matter of seconds.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: At work that might be classified as assault.

BABY ZACHARY: I can make a “G” sound and some other syllables too.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: Being able to make all the sounds in the alphabet is a bit of a given for anyone hoping to work here.

BABY ZACHARY: Wow, you guys are strict.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: Well, Mr. Kaplan, can you…

BABY ZACHARY: (interrupts) Who is Mr. Kaplan?

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: You! Zachary I am just calling you by your last name.

BABY ZACHARY: Oh, I don’t know my last name. I only kind of know my first name.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: Well Zachary, what else could you add to our work place?

BABY ZACHARY: I can clap my hands. Not necessarily when someone does something good as much as just at random times. I can also bang blocks and other objects together.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: Can I ask, if you even got a job here how would you get to work?

BABY ZACHARY: I would take my walker. I am really good on it now. As long as I don’t bump into walls I can keep walking with it forever. It super fun. Though I might need Daddy’s help if I do bump into walls on the way to work. Are there any walls on the way to the office?

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: I am going to ignore that question and ask some standard interview questions. Tell me about a time that you dealt with a difficult situation and how you got through it.

BABY ZACHARY: Mommy and Daddy always try to force non-baby mush, or as they call it real food down my throat. I was faced with a dilemma the other day. I was hungry and all they were giving me was mac & cheese. So, I gave in and ate some of it. Then I spit the rest out until they gave me my bottle.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: Okay, well…tell me your biggest strength.

BABY ZACHARY: I can screech really loud.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: And your biggest weakness?

BABY ZACHARY: I might need other co-workers to help change my poop. Is that common here?

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: Again, going to completely ignore that question. Where do you see yourself in five years?

BABY ZACHARY: Retired, on a yacht in Mommy’s bathtub.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: What would be people who know you say about you?

BABY ZACHARY:That I am a boy. I hope they would no longer mistake me for a girl especially since I got a haricut.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: What is your biggest accomplishment?

BABY ZACHARY: Learning to hold my own bottle and sippy cup so I can feed myself.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: Listen, I could keep going with this interview but I don’t think we can even legally hire an 11 month old.

BABY ZACHARY: Why does the man have to hold me back?

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: Well, if we hired you, how would you make a better remote control?

BABY ZACHARY: I wouldn’t. I would just put the remote in my mouth and play with buttons.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: Okay, interview over.

BABY ZACHARY: I am gonna tell my Daddy that you were mean to me and he gonna punch you.

TIME WARNER EXECUTIVE: I am going to kill whoever set me up for this interview.

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